Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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