So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Randomize
