I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
