Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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