i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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