So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
