How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize