I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
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I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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