I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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