Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
