and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
