You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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