i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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