So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My balls are so social today.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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