3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
