Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
