just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
