She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
