Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
