remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Someone shattered a urinal.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can't trust your balls anymore.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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