Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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