I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
