Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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