I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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