i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
