you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
