i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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