I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
