He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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