it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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