Too much gin, very little bucket
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet