I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
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In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
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I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.