I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
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i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
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No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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