mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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