I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
