yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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