My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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