I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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