Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
