He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
