i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
