Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
