he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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