Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
