On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's blow job season.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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