you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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