did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
