I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
