I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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