I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
