I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
