Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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