he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
