Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
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at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
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Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts