I never want to see another naked old woman again.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
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and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence