I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
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For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
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Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.