How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.