this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.