I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
