He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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