I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
