it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We're too hungover to prance.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
